how to have sex with someone from the internet

selfie by systaime

people have been talking about ‘the end of social media’ which, as someone exclusively-soothed by pulling down my notification tab every three-to-seven minutes, is terrifying. but the end of social media can’t be ALL bad, as the end of social media would end using social media to find people to have sex with, bringing us ever-closer to my ultimate goal: the end of sex. because sex is #actually bad. sex feels good, which is bad, because that feeling, along with everything else good, will end. so the best part of sex? not having sex. because you can count on it.

but until the extinction of sex, we have the internet. this is all anyone uses the internet for anymore: to pursue validation and consummate sexual actions out of some feeling of obligation, social pressure, insecurity and/or behavioral addiction. that’s amore! finding someone from the internet to have sex with is important and necessary, because otherwise you’ll have to go for irl communication with irl friends and/or coworkers. this is problematic, because they usually have more of an issue with your subsequent subtweets about them than people you mostly deal with online. plus, if you actually liked them, you would already be having sex with them.

when you’re picking someone from the internet: they already know you. or they already know who you’re pretending to be, which is probably more important than the dumb idiots you’re forced to be around irl who can’t discern your ironic memes from your earnest, heartfelt memes.

robert frost, when he dropped the most fire-quoted poem of 1920, said there are two roads. there are also two main smartphone manufacturers, two main micro-blogging platforms, and two ways to get someone from the internet to have sex with you: online dating and online dating. the difference between the two is slight: the former, you say you’re online dating. the second, you’re online dating but you don’t say you’re online dating. you’re like, just on twitter all the time for no reason or addicted to the internet or whatever. same shit, but be cool about it.

personally, i stopped the former after ending an OkCupid relationship and moving to one of the worst neighborhoods for Tinder. i used to go on what were officially known as “dates,” but these usually ended either by gradually phasing out conversation or one person just obviously not being super into it. we’d either mutually phase out conversation or one person would just super obviously not be into it. i’d never see them again until weeks or months or years later when i’d turn around at some bar, on some night i decided to wear like, a hoodie with peanut butter protein bar wrappers still stuffed in the pockets, and they’d be standing behind me with their arm around some girl who’s better at tricking herself into liking his particular style of cinéma vérité vines

officially online dating is also a drag, because you run into people that you or your friends have already had sex with. this is usually fine because: who cares. but it does get annoying because someone usually makes it weird by saying something dumb or unnecessary, or latches you into a conversation by jokingly pretending not to know you despite having every single college class together for four years… and then you’re stuck in the text-equivalent of your college buddy’s birthday party that none of your other friends want to go to, because there’s no one to make out with (because you already made out with all of them five years ago at the Student Center and still never talked about it).

also on tinder you might run into someone who knows you, but whom you don’t know. so you end up having a nice getting-to-know-you conversation, maybe explain your job in a little too much detail before they say, “we’ve met several times before and I dated your friend” and then you can’t have sex with that person either.

but pretending you’re not online dating is like going to a party where your crush just happens to be. my job is literally online: i have to be here. and if some guy with dark hair and dimples just happens to also always be here with me: who am i to unfollow? you can continue to include these people in your messages, thoughts, and feeds without looking like you’re weirdly holding out hope. stalking a failed date is pathetic, but scrolling through one of your online friends’ feeds? totally normal and it’s called being a good friend. also, it wasn’t a failed date. you guys just hung out a few times. why would you, out of nowhere, unfollow a friend, especially after a totally regular meetup?

basically, pretending you’re not tryna fck removes whatever annoying self-care you’d otherwise guilt yourself into doing. sure, maybe you’re “lying” to everyone including yourself, but it could be worse. you could be offline, in a stable, fulfilling relationship. it happened to my friend Sean, and while he seems happier in person, he hasn’t tweeted about ranch dressing nearly as often as before Claire.

meeting up with people irl is dumb, unless you’re meeting up with people from the internet, in which case it’s cool, because that’s the least dumb way to have sex. and sex, unfortunately, is cool. and if you’re reading this, you’re probably online as much as i am, which means your personality is probably too obsessive to have a healthy relationship, let alone handle the vast and endless emptiness within the heart and/or soul of a young emotionally unavailable DJ with a solid color avi.

finally, after you have sex with someone from the internet, stay on the internet. scroll their timeline, reading not only their new posts, but analyzing their older posts in a different context. could you devote your life to someone who location tags? does that mean your children will location tag? or worse: hashtag? scroll to the end of their feed, and then switch platforms. are they better at twitter than instagram, and what does that mean about their personality? did they mention literally anything about their life? cuz once their social media profile runs out, you’ll need another fix. maybe they played a song you can play on repeat as you compare how they look irl to how they photograph themselves in selfies… before you accidentally ‘like’ it. quickly unlike it and throw your phone across the room, realizing what you’ve done and making a deal with god to never subtweet again as long as you didn’t crack the screen. then, of course, log in and subtweet.

  • J.C. Restrepo-Rodriguez

    Slow clap