Selected tweets and dating experiences of Sandra Song

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the good, the bad and the way your abuser makes you perceive it

Aspects of Geological Time (fig. 1) by elisabeth

My favorite thing my abuser ever said to me was “you’re just in love with me.” I say “favorite” with a wry sense of humor, but in in all seriousness, their words signaled my impending closure. In that one moment, after a whole year of fighting and hissing and spitting, with that one phrase, I knew it was time to rest my case.

There was no feeling of victory about the few people who sided with me, or even the satisfaction of knowing I no longer had to keep a relationship intact with a terrible person. Rather, the victory lay in the simple fact that it no longer mattered what I did or said to make my truth known.

My father, the incipient figure in my life who would later spur on years of resentment and self deprecating memes, once said, after years of radio silence over his grave failings as a parent, “If the end of the world comes by God’s judgement day I know he’ll kill me.” Religious context aside, mind you, he never actually explicitly admitted what he had done, but it’s what he didn’t say that made it obvious to me that he wanted to. When a person doesn’t even deny what they’ve done to you, but rather, digresses on en emotional detour to invariably mess with your head and make you doubt yourself — your experience, your feelings — that not only displays an adept form of manipulation but a subtle hint of their own guilt. There was not enough guilt to apologize, but enough shame to say “I naturally won’t confess, but I will play on some fact that will detract from the possibility that someone would believe the victim over me.”

Everyone loves their abusers. I certainly loved both of mine. If I didn’t, they wouldn’t have had the opportunity to abuse me. In the eye of the abuse’s whirlwinds I more or less rationalized that I loved the person, but hated what they had done, wanting to believe that a person’s actions are definitely separate from themselves. I met closure with my abuser a long time ago, but the cycle between “depression”‘ and “acceptance” (recovery often follows a grief cycle in most forms) seems to skip and bounce between one another like an overplayed mixtape CD.

Sometimes I have a revelation about something I had compartmentalized and filed away to be addressed at a later time, and then I find a way to express it. I perhaps experience a sense of growth, or maybe a feeling of having the rotting part of me hollowed out to make room for something else. Today was one of those times. I think I’m facing sunward.

Breaking Up, URL: Talking with Online Dumpers and Dumpees

xo by ieatlemonstheniseeagain

*interviews have been condensed and some names have been changed*

It’s pretty much normal to start a relationship over the Internet now. People meet on Tinder, Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook (but only Facebook if they’re trying to have a casual meetup with Nev Schulman). People who meet over the Internet get married! The World Wide Web wasn’t invented until 1991 and now all of a sudden Internet couples are breaking glass under a chupah or having destination weddings in the Caribbean or whatever else couples do on HGTV.

For a lot of people, texting is an integral part of getting to know a potential partner or maintaining a relationship with an existing one. So the question is: if people are willing to start their relationships over the Internet, what about ending them that way? I posted a Facebook status and a tweet asking people whom I’m connected with on the Internet if they had ever been broken up with or broken up with someone online or over text. There is such a stigma surrounding ending relationships in any way that isn’t in person, so I wanted to hear some Internet breakup stories and learn how people involved felt about it.

It almost feels like certain social medias are more casual than others. There is definitely an online breakup medium hierarchy. Like, if you get broken up with over the phone or FaceTime it was real. If you get broken up with over Facebook messenger or text it was like “ok bye i guess.” If it was over Instagram or Twitter DMs you were most definitely the side bitch. In the following interviews I discuss these forms of social media and how they effect the ending of relationships, plus some conversation about under what circumstances breaking up URL makes you a legitimate asshole, closure, and Snapchat filters as a breakup medium.

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